In just a few hours, I will look at Brendan and say "Rabbit Rabbit!" and he will look at me and say "White Rabbits!"
Here's to 2003, year of the illiterate reporter :
If your IP begins with 61.177 or 218.93, you have been banned and are therefore not reading this... so why am I bothering to post about it? Because I don't quite understand how we ended up in autospeigel.de, saab.de, and everyone else's load-balancing network (can someone explain? and provide retribution tips?), but it stops right flippin' now. Tradedoubler and bfast can bite our collective ass, then cut us a check for all the damned traffic. So sayonara, Austrian friends whose ISPs live in the 61.177 or 218.93 networks.
We'll see you when someone tells us how better to rid ourselves of this infestation (we've got ivermectin in the fridge).
Always attempt to do everything. Shut your office door and lock it from the inside so no one will distract you. They're just trying to hurt your productivity. Drink more coffee. Let us be thankful we have an occupation to fill. Work hard, increase production, prevent accidents and be happy.
I worked on The Book for about an hour today. It was the first time I've devoted to it in a week, and that day's work (after a similarly otherwise-engaged week) was just enough to make me second-guess my efforts. Turns out the brave smile at family gatherings wasn't a fake, though: I do still think it's good. Whew.
The FBI is warning police nationwide to be alert for people carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books covering everything from abbreviations to weather trends could be used for terrorist planning.
And look out for thesaurus- and dictionary-carrying types: there's no room for pointy-headed intellectuals in a literate country and a hopefuller country.
They've grown up very privileged and it's an on-going battle. They know the price of everything and the value of nothing. I give them allowances and I stop their money if I find they're, um, spending it on pink leather skirts girdled with blunt studs that spell....
Poor Sweetie. She's had a rough winter.
Either the boys are being extra rough, this mating season, or she's been beaten up by a mange mob. Possibly both. I blame Bitey, who has very similar baldness patterns (it hasn't slown her down one bit, though).
Tomorrow we're going to visit a wildlife rehab specialist, and learn how to medicate mangey squirrels. Meanwhile, I twitch at the touch of every microscopic bit of detritus in the air: don't be a scabies mite! Eep!
If you need me, I'll be in this plastic bubble, over here.
I want a light-up nativity cow, for the front porch.
We don't need a whole nativity scene, really. Just the cow.
Our neighbors up the street did a whole scene with flamingoes, a couple years ago. Mary, Joseph, the Three Wise Men, everyone with robes and belts and headdresses that perfectly conveyed their attitudes. Then, on Christmas morning, the little tiny baby Jesus flamingo showed up in swaddling clothes, in the little tiny creche.
OK, I also want a tiny baby Jesus flamingo.
Only 9 shopping days left before the Feast of the Epiphany!
University Of Pittsburgh Studies Broccoli-derived Chemicals To Prevent Prostate Cancer
Topical application has been most effective, but the market has so far resisted penetration.
A group of Bay Area teenagers has it in for Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger,
and not just because the financially-strapped Oakland school district is closing 13 schools next year.
...And to all, a good night!
Really? Nowhere else? Not, like, a cathedral, or a forest, or under a white hood in the back of a Town Car?
Nearly 800 inmates attended the dedication ceremony of what Gov. Bush called a facility focused on encouraging the spirituality of inmates of all faiths. As long as they celebrate Christmas, and not Channukah or the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe or Bodhi Day or Solstice or Kwanzaa or the Death of Zarathustra or Mithra's birthday, or any other un-American holidays.
In lieu of an Advent Calendar, I bring you The 12 Days of Xmas.
Click, click, click.
Hey look: 77 photos of the same collapsed building.
We barely felt it, but Miguel predicted it from all the way over in Vienna.
Whenever we go to our local pub, I always end up getting the same thing: fish and chips (really nice fish, and the cole slaw rocks) and a Fuller's ESB. Brendan wheedled me into ordering something different, tonight, and our pal the barkeep made a big to-do about this momentous occasion. And then I ordered the lamb kebab: the worst thing, in said barkeep's opinion, on the menu.
OK, I said, make it fish and chips, and a Fuller's ESB. There were brave faces all around, for I tried, I really did.
And I got points for the effort: my fish came on a skewer, and there was bonus sticky toffee pudding, cut into little squares and stuck on a skewer, with similarly aligned ice cream scoops.
Poor Santa monkey.
Fast-forward to last week, KGET 17 asked Wimbish and his Assistant Sheriff Mike Lafave who ordered the decals made?
Sigh. For a much better telling, see the Deuce of Club's tidy synopsis.
A Crocodile Satisfies a Yen for Men
"I've seen him. I've seen three different people in his jaws."
Slutty crocodiles are hot, but that's not what drew me to the article; it was this tab of journalistic acid, sent by the intrepid SpaceCheese:
The only problem with the government financed is that the crocodile is as crafty plan to market Gustave as he is aggressive.
Do what, now? Five bucks if you can make a complete diagram of that sentence without rewriting it.
Nader Looks to Another White House Bid in 2004
Perfect. How long until The Smoking Gun produces his Bush-Cheney '04 paystubs?
Spam of the day: What do {c}umshots, eyedrops, and nasal spray have in common(?)
This riddle is as yet unanswered.
This has got to be the best opening line ever:
A skinny rapist met his match in an angry, 275-pound prostitute, police said.
And it's not just for local news stories. You could use it at a bar, or at a party.
The American Family Association wants to know how you feel about gay marriage.
They're taking a survey, with the intention of proving to Congress that Americans are reviled by the very idea. One imagines they'll present their predicted 70% "hell no, that's unnatural," but let's at least show them that they're wrong. While you're at it, feel free to use their "tell a friend" email form to send messages to your state representatives. A tiny bit of editing and their form letter will indicate your support of the recent Massachusetts Supreme Court decision to permit gay marriage, and ask them to pursue similar legislation.
"Maxwell House is still my favorite," she said. "It's just a weird thing."
Yeah, that is kind of weird.
I've long figured that the National Weather Service has a "teenage boys with crack habits" hiring policy. It makes for fine entertainment, but, well (I'd say something about wasted federal funding, but what's the point, really). It was funny when they posted a snow warning for Berkeley in April, but this is even better:
URGENT - WEATHER MESSAGE
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE
KANSAS CITY-PLEASANT HILL MO
1055 AM CST WED DEC 17 2003
UNUSUALLY HOT WEATHER HAS ENTERED THE REGION FOR DECEMBER...AS THE EARTH HAS LEFT ITS ORBIT AND IS HURLING TOWARD THE SUN.
Don't forget to wear a hat, if you go out at lunch today.
It'll probably be windy, too. What with the hur(t)ling, and all.
What to get for the girl who has everything, this holiday season.
You know what would make a really cool holiday gift?
The original Airborne Kitchen Appliance: an After Dark Inflatable Flying Toaster, new, in box.
Go on, buy my stuff.
Someone commented that I don't shoot enough people.
Kimberly gave me a room full of manga publishers as targets.
Here are some of the results. Enjoy.
A local television channel urged people to party.
And yes, absolutely, w00t and all that. But what is a 'spider hole'?
Is it the same thing as a farmhouse cellar? Or a vegetable depot?
According to the NYT, the father killed 15 years before the recently rescued boy was conceived.
Dzhamal Gamidov, an 11-year-old boy who was held captive for three and a half years and now weighs just 33 pounds, was found by chance in Dagestan. The boy's father, Gamid, was Dagestan's finance minister in 1977 when he was killed when a bomb exploded in his ministry.
PHILIPPINES: PARTIES PICK FILM ACTOR A coalition of opposition parties formally declared a former action-film star, Fernando Poe, as their candidate to challenge President Gloria Arroyo in next May's elections. ...the candidate selection committee, said the coalition chose Mr. Poe, 64, a high-school drop-out with no experience in public service, because of "his patriotism and humanity, his sterling leadership and success in the movie industry." He also cited Mr. Poe's showing in recent opinion polls in which he led Ms. Arroyo.Plus he's connected. Who cares if he has no political experience; if you used the U.S. as an example, you'd think that was critical to his success.
There is no time-table for renewing talks on the issue.
The evening’s master of ceremonies, writer John Hodgman, presented the idea that in all jokes about banjos, the phrase "literary novel" could replace the musical instrument. To wit, Mr. Bissell quoted Mark Twain: "A gentleman is someone who can play the banjo but doesn’t."
I remember artists who said things like that, in the 80s. I quit painting, just to distance myself from their repulsive asses. Of course, they're all rich and famous (if mostly dead), now. People who use air quotes when talking about fiction as entrtainment, who lambaste it as "escapist and palliative," make me ashamed to have ever written for academic journals (not to mention Film Threat - but at least I worked in production first).
Thank gawd for Choire, whose reportage includes such misunderstood-genius quotes as "I can’t really speak to the taste of the masses." If only I was that cool... Oh, wait, I was. As a teenager. The Believers aren't ready for fiction, and that works for me. I think I'd rather be lumped in with John Barth than with John Hodgman.
I'm thisclose to having a finished manuscript to send around to my Committee of Critical Readers.
How close? So close that I can practically smell the printer toner. So do you know what I've done?
I've slowed way down and started taking long breaks. These are breaks that should last a few hours, but expand into several days. First there were vet visits, then houseguests and the Coolest Wedding Ever Officiated in the Presence of Life Sized Models of Gigantic Bull Sea Lions, then holiday feast preparations, and gifts, then oh gosh its so sunny outside I should go do something before the rain comes again. I even went so far as to get my first paid photography gig, and finished the proofs today.
It's supposed to rain tomorrow.
Hopefully the clouds will stay through the week.
To make the breasts appear larger, one must confuse not just the viewer, but the very flesh itself:
Delivering on its promise to make women's breasts look bigger but still give them a natural feeling, the Nubra confounded its knockers ...
Thousands of fans rioted at Sierra Leone's national stadium Saturday when authorities substituted two local dwarf comedians for a widely anticipated out-of-town midget duo.
Dude. These are the people who somehow survived an unimaginably horrific civil war, and you think you can renege midget entertainment promises? Nuh uh. If you sold tickets for Aki and Paw Paw, you'd better deliver Aki and Paw Paw.
Television soothes the savage beast:
On September 28, he crossed a moat and scaled a 12-foot wall lined with electric wires -- either avoiding or ignoring the shocks -- and broke through two sets of doors to win his freedom. Little Joe... is (now) spending his days watching "SpongeBob SquarePants" cartoons and "Barney."
Rayshell Griffin's Nov. 26 death from "huffing" an aerosol air freshener was an unavoidable accident, Allegheny County Coroner Dr. Cyril Wecht said Thursday.
So be careful if you live in Pittsburgh, PA: there is no avoiding the deadly air freshener. huffing. accidents.
Swimmer with a Large Penis: it's not just large; it's amazing.
"It is certainly the oldest penis in the world, that's for certain." (T)he crustacean also had a heart and an integrated circulatory system... with the first firm (ooh!) evidence of gills in such an old species.
Reader/Aghast Person: "Started barking that wow, it's a story, straight from an ABC After School Special... but, what's with the grammar?"
It was a scene, right out of "Lassie." But, it was real. And, it may have saved the life of a Davis County woman. One night three weeks ago, the two were in her car, on an errand...but, never made it. Andrea Woodmansee/Crash Survivor: "Started barking at people to come down and see that I was down there. I'd do anything for this dog...obviously he'd do a lot for me too."
A study that compared humans with other species concluded there are 1,000 times too many humans to be sustainable. "Our study found that when we compare ourselves to otherwise similar species, usually other mammals of our same body size, for example, we are abnormal and the situation is unsustainable," said Charles Fowler, co-author of the paper and a lead researcher at the National Marine Mammal Laboratory, a division of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.
Well, then, let's see if we can't get the other large primates to even out that curve. Get that cultural osmosis thing working a little harder for us! Teach them some exciting new habits! Damien Aspinall will help get us started.
Damien Aspinall — a rich Londoner who has inherited a chain of zoos from his father — and his girlfriend, Donna Air, plan to reportedly leave their daughter Freya inside the gorilla enclosure at Howletts Zoo in Kent. Aspinall says he will probably hand the baby girl over to the dominant female gorilla at the zoo, expecting she will take care of her and introduce her to the other gorillas.
The World According to Mimi Smartypants
Right the hell on.
I'm getting two sets of the action figures.
Support the People for the American Way by bidding on
eBay item 3367578345 - DANIEL MILLER signed TVOD lyrics,The Normal.
Alternately, you could
just stick the aerial
into your skin
and let the signal
run through your veins.