"Operation Candybox."
No, it's not pr0n. Just drugs.

Hats off to Theodore Jay Richings
That's the coolest obit photo I've seen in a long while.
Which makes it sound like I troll obits for photos, so nevermind.
Still. He's cool. Thanks, empty-handed.

They're so cute, you could just eat 'em.

Oh, Christ: Network Bleeps Janet Jackson For Saying 'J' Word

Ahnuld's got nothing on Dave Elsewhere, yo.

SHAUN OF THE DEAD!!!
Fingers crossed that it's still in theatres when we hit London, at the end of next month.
The trailer made me actually, er, lol.

"That's the problem with vampires," said Doru Morinescu, a 30-year-old shepherd who, like many in the village, has a family connection to the current case. "They'd be all right if you could set them after your enemies. But they only kill loved ones. I can understand why..."
Sure. If I had a 30 year old cousin who believed that grandma's cough meant that someone was sucking her blood at night, I'd do my (er) damnedest to rise up and bite him to death, too. But how do you know if your necrodefiled cousin is a vampire? (oh man, that sounds like the beginning of a really bad joke, doesn't it?) (wait a second: it is!)
"The heart of a vampire, while you burn it, will squeak like a mouse and try to escape. It's best to take a wooden stake and pin it to the pan, so it won't get away."

Continued...

Bergen girls fight for their right to party

(Anthropologist Allan Sande) isn't shocked by the latest wrinkles in the knot stakes (is that what they call it there? a wrinkly knot stake?):
"The recognition of the one with most knots, the elite russ, reflects our career society - the knots can be compared to a résumé," Sande said.
...tasks up for this year's knot-earning are having sex with at least 17 partners, picking up a tender teen, getting a vagrant drunk and vomiting on the person next to you.

The People's Front of Judea and the Judean People's Front are coming back to the big screen.

Senator John Cornyn of Texas, the Republican overseeing the hearing, dismissed as a "myth" any idea that gay marriages have no effect on society. "If the national culture teaches that marriage is just about adult love and not about the raising of children, then we should be troubled but not surprised by the results."

Now I know that, especially in Texas, single mothers are barely recognized as having any rights at all, but they are only one group of sinners, according to the above argument. Is this ammendment intended to outlaw all childless marriages, and all marriageless children (even while it forces so many good families into such situations)? The Senator needs to clarify his statement; the things he learned at White House Bible study are no longer acceptable in polite society. I wonder if John "Call Me Daddy" Cornyn's copy of the prayer book has this passage bookmarked, for further reflection:If there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him. (Gen 19:31-36)

Our first night there, we're going to a party in the basement of a 12th Century monastery.
Thus begins the challenge of deciding between boots I can walk in and boots I can dance in.

Reason 893 we love living in Berkeley: our bitchin' skate park. We found it today while driving down to this really cool homeless shelter, to donate a bunch of gourmet dried-and-canned food from our chi-chi survivalist phase. The manager of the place was reading Camus, and seemed only a little surprised to see us wander in late on a Sunday morning with a metric ton of groceries. He was almost as cool as the tiny little girl and her dad, climbing over the fence at the skate park with their boards. Who can say why the gate was locked; maybe it was just to make such a slick place just a liiiiittle more punk rock.

We don't leave for a whole entire month, but I'll be checking my watch every few hours until then, and singing the songs that go "we get to use our passports again," and "ooh, record shopping in London and Newcastle and Vienna," and doing the little dance called "FORTHCOMING UK RELEASE - Adolescent Sex, Obscure Alternatives, Quiet Life and Assemblage, digitally remastered, with liner notes and videos and everything."

We're planning a trip to Vienna, to visit Teh Bgu and check out CHI 2004.
Brendan used to have family in Austria, and remembers enough from his childhood visits to feel at home in Vienna, but I'm a little nervous. This will be my first time there, and I don't speak German - neither of us do. I picked up a copy of the Lonely Planet German Phrasebook, though, which teaches you how to say such valuable phrases as "Ich nehme Drogen," "Streichle meine Brustwarzen," and "Du kannst heute abend hier nicht bleiben."
I think I'm all set.

The evidence strongly contradicted (USA Today reporter Jack) Kelley's published accounts that he spent a night with Egyptian terrorists in 1997; met a vigilante Jewish settler named Avi Shapiro in 2001; watched a Pakistani student unfold a picture of the Sears Tower and say, "This one is mine," in 2001; visited a suspected terrorist crossing point on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border in 2002; interviewed the daughter of an Iraqi general in 2003; or went on a high-speed hunt for Osama bin Laden in 2003.

"I feel God's pleasure when I write and report. It isn't because of the glory, but because God has called me to proclaim truth...."
His role models, he says, are four of "the greatest journalists of all time"; Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

The merchandise sold on www.georgewbushstore.com includes a $49.95 fleece pullover, bearing a label stating it was made in Burma, now Myanmar. The jacket was sent to Newsday as part of an order that included a shirt made in Mexico and a hat not bearing a country-of-origin label.

Forget about Jobs for America; this contract goes to Myanmar, land of forced labor, ethnic genocide, and land use programs almost as destructive as ours. The place where they keep their Nobel laureates under house arrest.

Yeah, that's what I thought:

Thursday, March 11, 2004
US market to remain closed to Myanmar
WASHINGTON - US Secretary of State Colin Powell suggested yesterday that the US market would remain closed to imports from Myanmar, whose military rulers have detained opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi for months.

Hide your banana-shaped objects.

Dear Courtney: Your (NSFW) implants are slipping. And, you know, there are creams, for that rash down there.
The boy in this (NSFW) photo looks really happpy - post-orgasmic, even. What just happened? Was the shoe involved?
Maybe that's shown in a photo even the Sun wouldn't print?
P.S. You might not want to draw comparisons with Jennifer Tilly; she is 1,000 times cooler than you.

Have you ever noticed how the melody bass and rhythm (allowing for a shift in tempo) of "Life Goes On" is duplicated, pretty much note for note, for "Come as you Are"?
Kurt was fifteen, when that Damned record came out. Must've stuck with him.

La Caída Pequeña, La Elevación Grande.
A guy tried to get me to snort "los huevos del burro" once.
I babysat, instead. Huge mistake: he was high for a week.

Janel Moloney likes cunt.
(purloined from the blort)

In (a written agreement witnessed by a friend) Fracassi said Vought could do anything he wanted to her during sexual encounters except break her nose or give her a black eye. Vought told investigators that the only good night’s sleep he had in months was the night he killed Fracassi.

...witnessed by a what?

"The producers wanted Prince to sing 'Sexy Motherf- - - -r.' But because he is now a devout Jehovah's Witness, he refused."
Stupid religious folk, always with the censorship, when you know they could be using their otherwise-genius believers as instruments for empire-expansion. Prince could start his own branch of that freaky church; it'd be a huge success. Even I'd visit the Fellowship of Sexy Motherfuckers, at least on holy days.

"We don't keep a list," said a Pentagon spokeswoman, Lt. Cmdr. Jane Campbell. "It's just not policy."

"Timbaland was riding a Segway someone gave him as a gesture of love and respect but the battery ran down and he fell off, gently, without hurting himself." That was what you meant. And you said that because you're tired.
I (heart) Sasha Frere-Jones.

How utterly depressing:
The Cosentino family gathered around the television for their favorite event of the year: WrestleMania.

(Pamela Anderson) has been handed $250,000 in advance to pen two romance books: "Above The Waist" and "Below The Belt". But the 36-year-old beauty confesses that she has had more than a little help putting pen to paper, publishers Simon And Schuster have recruited (a ghostwriter).
$250,000. To write two romance novels. With a ghostwriter.
I need to get over this "art first, commerce later" crap, and get myself an agent.

McGowen, 35, had been taking fertility drugs. "I feel proud," said husband Jeffery...
Jacob and Jacoby? Jason and Justin?
The conception was unusual, but the naming's just cruel.

"If Senator Kerry is going to say he has support from foreign leaders, then he needs to be straightforward with the American people and say who it is that he has spoken with and who it is that supports him,"White House press secretary Scott McClellan told reporters, "so we can update our Axis of Evil charts."

The women wore dark robes and scarves, and if they tried to walk too far ahead of Wesson, neighbors said, he pulled them back by their hair or shoulders.
He did not work, police said, and was supported by money from the women.
"It was very nice," (the 19 yr. old son) said. "It was the way a family should be."

Dyer said the victims probably were Wesson's children. "There may have been some type of ritual involved," he said. Six police chaplains were at the house throughout the evening as detectives continued to gather evidence.
What kind of insane mode of thinking is it that allows people to think of kids as their chattel, to be used or manipulated? You so often hear of domestic abuse cases where the alpha male presumes that kind of superiority, and there's no logic to it at all. Here's hoping he survives in prison, just long enough to learn that the hard way.

(later)
Or maybe not: Wesson is being held on $9 million bail on the first floor of the Fresno County Jail annex.
Got that? The jail annex, first floor.

...the Justice Department inspector general confirmed that Rumsfeld ''has a piece of the airplane that flew into the Pentagon.''
He held onto it as a "memento." Sure. And placed it on his altar to Baal, as tribute for the befuddlement of the American public.

I don't know what I did to get on their mailing list, but now I'm getting catalogues from MaxTool - Your #1 Source. This week's Super Sale includes 4,000lb. folding shop cranes, and autodarkening welding helmets, and it reads like checkout-line porn: "Do it all with this hot new cordless grinder. Cuts rebar, threaded rod, pipe & more. Finish metal with wire wheels & flap discs. Grinds metal, sands wood, cuts brick, block, concrete & more. 8,500 rpm"
Damn. I'm going shopping.

It's 67ºF outside, already, and the sky is a brilliant pinkish blue. So, naturally, I took my newspaper, coffee, and a couple of nuts outside to sit on the deck. A minute later, naturally, I went back in for more nuts. The squirrels, naturally, took that opportunity to pee on my neatly folded over crossword page.

Continued...

A MAJOR boost for efforts to combat fly-tipping in Wales has been announced.
Fly-tipping? You mean like this ?

Teens who pledge to remain virgins until marriage have the same rates of sexually transmitted diseases as those who don't pledge abstinence, according to a study that examined the sex lives of 12,000 adolescents. The problem, the study found, is that those who make a public pledge to abstain until marriage... are much less likely to use condoms.

Yeah, well, you know what they say: "If condoms are for sluts, only sluts will use condoms." "Anal doesn't count." "The preacher says bukkake is good for my skin."

What's so funny about peace, love, and seaman ships?

For example, a vote cast by a 14 or 15-year-old would be counted as a quarter of a vote, and a vote by a 16 or 17-year-old would be counted as half a vote.
Leaving aside for the moment the problem of privacy vs. tabulation of said future votes: the first measure to pass after this would be lowering the age of consent. Then perhaps our new 1/4 or 1/2 citizens may also sign 1/4 or 1/2 a contract, or get 1/4 or 1/2 a treatment from a MD without a parental signature, or collect 1/4 or 1/2 social welfare benefits (or spend 1/4 or 1/2 of their time emancipated from parental or foster care or youth facilities), and maybe exercise 1/4 or 1/2 of their hormonal urges...

I was plowing through my work at a fine, brisk pace - the pace I swore I would keep a year ago, when unemployment seemed a temporary problem - as the loss of my favorite furry muse loomed larger, and I really thought I'd have a manuscript to send to readers, nowish. But I seem to have hit another wall.

Last week was completely forfeit, what with the tragedy and the grief and the ashes and the numb removal of stylish domed litterboxes and antique stools with dainty heated cushions and the drinking and the rearranging of furniture and the drinking and the organizing of garden sheds and the drinking and the sympathy cards and then the baby showers, with the drinking, and the further drowning of the sorrows in the rich spicy curries. You'd think I'd take this opportunity to entirely lose my appetite and lose the 20lb I put on while playing the dual roles of Kitty Nursemaid / Human Matress, but the folks at Tandoor Kitchen are just too frickin' talented.

So. Hardly any writing. Hardly any posting. Just tidying, preparing for impending houseguests*, and wondering where all these bruises came from.

Continued...

"I'm completely irate," she said last night. "I spent five hours outside WalMart with my two children and I'm eight months pregnant."

Brown Bunny finally makes some money.
$86K, last time I looked.
"Because of the design and detailing of the package, a filmmaker could work with the most flexibililty, mobility, efficiency and reliability that could have ever been possible any other way." For instance, you could film yourself peeing, then getting a slovenly blowjob, and never have to worry about ruining the rented, er, equipment.

Carrots love you. You love carrots.

It's funny because it's true.

At 62 yrs old, you should know better than to expect someone to eat the lettuce you just fondled, and you should know to restrain yourself from flailing around wildly, when people remind you that they don't share your lettuce fondling fetish. And you should really know not to have your mommy tell the cops "He's a picky eater." If you don't, though, at least know enough to tape the ensuing hilarity. It might land you a show on Fox.

The top housewarmer of the season is a gift made even more special when given anonymously.

Beauregard 6 April 1987 - 1 March 2004 Thanks for being the Best Cat Ever

Continued...

Oh, boy, did we learn about kitty enemas.

Continued...