At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest.

Some people think I'm jaded, but its really just a big facade. Every day brings a new measure of my naivete.
Today, for instance, I nearly broke my blue pencil after trying to diagram Scooter Libby's sentences. The first one was tough, with the ten-year-old madam and the child in the cage and the collected girls upon whom lovelessness and the compulsion to "be frigid" are affected in spite of their evident absence from this maze of subjects, objects, and prepositions. The real trouble, though, came when I tried to match the subject "they" of the second in the context of the first. Is it third person narration by a ten-year-old madam using the "royal we"? The only other answer is that writing this slovenly might actually see print, if a publishers predicates massive sales solely on the author's potential future infamy, which suggests an even broader conspiracy. So which is it?
I know. It's not so much a logic problem as a coin toss.

But who knew that both Yale and Columbia conferred degrees without proof of basic English grammar skills?

Oh. You did?
By all means, go ahead: list those Ten Horrific Best-Sellers Penned by Ivy league Alumni (Only One by Elizabeth Wurtzel), right off the top of your head. Just do it quietly, please; my head still hurts.