We stayed near Centraal Station, all the better to scamper off to the 6:43am train to the conference each morning. We'd never stayed in the Central Canal Ring before, preferring to be off the beaten track in the Jordaan or out on Den Texstraat.

The only difference that made, really, is that our nightly sojourn home from our days' adventures took us down many red-lit streets (the Walletjes overflow from across the Damrak) instead of quiet cat-filled alleys. Little tiny efficient cars cruising the canals, looking for a cheap date, backing up and scooting forward from window to window in a pathetic sort of frenzy. One Saturday night, the traffic on our street kept up til 3am, and all I could think of each car that passed was "Ew!"

Amsterdam is in the throes of 80s style "growth." Every 3 steps a storefront advertises Internet access; only 25% really offer anything you can use. 24/7 access to everything is the trend in this town where previously everything shut down at 10pm, and it's not an easy transition. Half the local merchants are diagnosed with nervous breakdowns. Body Manipulations closed for the weekend so the entire staff could recover from stress.

Prices are grossly inflated from the time of our last visit (10/98). Our favorite dive bars are typically fully booked with reservations, and that FL5 Chimay is now FL9. A ('98) FL12.50 steak is FL27. Street markets are doing retail business: boots that were FL75 last year are FL150 now. Gone are the days of quality, bargain leather goods in Amsterdam as well. FL300 will get you the same polyesther lined "napa leather" coat at every store and kiosk in town. Albert Cuypsmarkt made me pine for 8th Street in Manhattan. If you're looking for chic baby clothes or the ultimate stroller, however, this is the place. Also there you can still find fabulous arrays of seafood and magnificent produce.

The Bloemenmarkt sells tulips, tulips, tulips, and cannabis seeds. Everyone, everywhere, sells cannabis seeds. They're like frozen fruit smoothies are here: "if we sell them, people will think we're hip!"

One thing that is nuevo wacky and cool is Fox 8 television, which shows HBO, Fox, WB, etc U.S. tv shows. Star Trek TNG. They also air a serial documentary on the London/Ibiza club Cream, which is really well done in a formulaic kind of way, and addictive.

The big feature on Amsterdam television is terrible American soft-core porn. Many stores advertise American porn for sale. Don’t Americans typically fetishize Dutch and/or German porn?

Thre's a great ad on tv there, with a queer boy couple out camping in the woods. Boy number one, feigning sleep, watches the other sit up and do something (his back to the camera) salaciously intruiging, using a condom, and it turns out said guy is peeing in it. I have no idea what was being advertised, but it was funny.

UFO freaks abound on regular "serious" Dutch tv. One "expert" had his own show, and was on another forum type hour with three UFOlogists all leading each other then validating their imaginings ("As you can see, this is a solid object with a sort of plasma under it" "Yes, what these images from Mexico City tell us is ‘we are here, don’t be afraid’" It's telling me something, alright…)

I was stunned and amazed by a French variety show featuring lady bodybuilders on rollerskates doing circus tricks involving tiny male celebrity audience members. Plus, that guy who swallows and regurgitates things (a regular feature on the old Viva Variety). Dutch tv features a lot of French tv/movies , with subtitles – in French. Baffling.

Dutch fashion:
Someone had the terrible idea that skirts with pants is remotely interesting and possibly practical (ok, if you're on a bike and must wear a skirt, please do wear pants. Or at least underwear), and thousands of Dutch girls have followed suit. It is tragic.

Another omnipresent faux pas is pants cuffed at least 4". They're sold that way. Maybe the idea is to appear diminutive compared to the size of average clothing ("I have to cuff my pants 4" to make them normal length!"). Trendy Japanese kids in SF were spotted recently sporting this trend. I hope it dies early.

Guys carry purses - really nice ones, that I covet, in some cases. Everyone has a strap on bag of some sort (one guy wore tight shorts and ankle purses), but really stylish men also carry a nice leather mini-satchel as well.

A terrible storm our first day in The Hague took down the normal tram to the train station there, and we followed a boy from Amsterdam and his Russian friends to a remote tram line in hopes of getting home. Turns out said Dutch kid was only pretending to know how to get to the train station, and gender determined that he would not admit it and ask directions. Many queries and transfers later, Jessica led the group safely back to Amsterdam, but only after exploring the industrial and distinctly 'hood areas of the the Hague. Who knew there were ghettos in North Holland? Now you know. The racial and class tension is much more pronounced there than here (perhaps it's like Detroit or DC, but not SF): I had girls in matching funky gansta outfits talk across my face, in lilting Caribbean patois, about how they were going to scratch me (?). Kind of a hard situation to deal with gracefully; it made me feel old.

We got back to Amsterdam at 10pm. The only place left to get food in the neighborhood was the train station Burger King. (go now - click that link. Dutch ad agencies rock.)

We knew we were in for a party after one look at the menu, which is in an amazing cartoony Neocolonial Dutch/American English pidgin. I couldn't stop cracking up - until we had to pay about $13 for two Whoppers and fries.

Centraal Station Burger King is a peoplewatching paradise. Teenage runaways meeting their boyfriends, vixens getting ready for the night shift, random travelers, workers, housewives, and people whose stories might be too tragic to tell.

It's all circa 1850 train station glory, with an ornate ceiling frieze. Billiard balls as fixtures on posts, handles for trash bins. TV monitors with backlighting and ghosts standing on top of them, but the screens left black - until a South Park Movie ad comes on, then they go black again. This was the perfect end too a very strange day.

If you ever need to stay near Centraal Station in Amsterdam, we could pretty much recommend the Hotel Sint Nicolaas at 1 Spui. It has an elevator, a true luxury in this city of tall, narrow, buildings with nautical staircases. It's a freight elevator, complete with threat of danger (ooh, moving walls), with walls of blue carpet and a small red table, always topped with a big white ashtray. That elevator is a party waiting to happen. There's no shower, just a bathtub, in room 24, but the endless supply of hot water at high pressure made for nice daily soaks. Smoke will seep through the walls; you might want to get extra towels to stuff under the door to the room to keep out the hallway smoke. Kitty is most aloof, for decorative purposes only; sit near a radiator and she will perhaps grace your table. Tip the nice lady that serves you breakfast, she is divine. At night, the neighborhood is awash in red light from the working girls’ windows; crane your neck for a view.

One evening, with feet that groaned and brains that would not sleep, we went to the bar across the street from our hotel - a brown café that turned out to be the bar for the Renaissance hotel - and were kept company by a gaggle of madames and a gander of young pimps. It was a scene and a half.

Bookings.nl will help you find your own wacky local hotel adventures.

Hot tip of the year, #1: dinner at Melkweg is superb. Everything is amazingly fresh and tasty, the wine is FL25 per bottle, and the service is decidedly prompt by A'dam standards.

#2: Dinner at SAS, 79 Marnixstraat , presided over, and prepared and served by Antonio. SAS is a hole in the wall, a total dive, restaurant-as-trip-art in the basement of this super funky bar. A portrait of him ("Antonioooo!!!"), and one of his wife, adorned the wall over our table. Obviously by a happy patron. We heard at least 5 languages spoken at the 3 other tables, and the chef was very patient with my rusty Italian. It's cozy enough to eat there by yourself, and the peoplewatching is fantastic. Just be ready to groove to the 70s tunes pumping from the kitchen's transistor-radio style speakers

De Doffer, on Runstraat, is still great. The bartenders are nicer than before - more tolerant of foreigners. The girly girls rule here - signs in the window welcomed weekly regular gatherings. We didn't eat here this trip, but my past experiences there sold me on Dutch food.

Don't bother tip of the year #1: Boom Chicago. This is an " improv comedy review" piece of shit waste of time and money hellhole for American tourists and those who love or hate them. While their magazine was cute, in that smartypants stoner expat kind of way, the show was bitter and weak, the audience full of the ugliest of Americans, and the food is just *eh*. The show was the low point of our visit, and colored the week almost beyond the tolerance of my usual buoyancy.

#2: De Zotte, on Raamstraat: This bar seemed to have changed neither staff nor plumbing (there is none) since 1640 in my previous visits. This time, there were new kids at the bar, and we needed reservations on Friday evening just to sit at the freaking bar. Very disappointing – new awning, new menus, new logo. Prices – like everything in Amsterdam – are significantly higher than last year (your FL12.50 steak is now FL27.50.). You can still get your choice of many Trappist offerings, and it’s still pretty much gezellig, but the yuppies are taking over (and have never seen a tattooed lady before).

#3: Waterlooplein and Noordermarkt: don't bother. What once were cool street markets, where you'd get an amazing deal on incredible, unique leather and textiles if you didn't act like a tourist, are now sprawling retail extensions. Boring and expensive, like any random flea market. The best place for cheap toiletries and electronics, if that's what you need (it's what we needed, so hooray).

The Tandenwinkel still has a ferris wheel of toothbrushes, and the Knopenwinkel is a button fairyland. Sex and drugs are easily accessible (in every other storefront downtown), as are big huge marauding swans (in the canals) and a plethora of gustatory delights (just everywhere). The Poezenboot is still on Singel, closer to the beginning now at about #20. Give them your spare guilders for cat food and get covered in cat hair. Check out the Rough Guide, Lonely Planet, Eyewitness Guide, and Time Out - between the four of them you will be totally prepared for getting lost in this barely navigable city. The Rough Guide in particular describes many streets in detail, so you have a sense of familiarity even before wandering in endless circles. The Atheneum, on Spui, has all of the guides on paper, and will sell you strippenkarten as well. Buy some, and take the trams everywhere when your feet threaten mutiny from the cobblestones. The trams rock, once you figure out the system. (Stamp your strippenkart or face the tram violator moritification squads!)

I still totally recommend Amsterdam, it's my home away from home. Please just try to tread softly - it's glory and splendor is more and more fragile.